Beatallica's bull's-eye

If there is any doubt that Jaymz and Krk are the fuckin' most killer songwriters since Sabbath, then April 1st, 2004--with the release of the new Beatallica disc--should surely see the last vestiges of metal shitheadedness and pussbag lameness swept away in a deluge of earsplitting music making, which only the completely fucked will not hear and only the man-panty wearers will not acknowledge. Called simply Beatallica, it's in a plain gray cover which is adorned only by the song titles and pure molten music melding metal mayhem, mayhem which for some still represents the menace of long-haired youth, for others the dominating, never ending pummeling of cynical so-called betters.

In Beatallica's eye of beholding, as in their songs, you can see the fragile, weak-ass, fragmentary mirror of the society which sponsored them, which interprets and fears them, and which is punished by the very four horsemen they reckon to be evil. Are they evil? Yes, they fuckin' are! Jaymz, ever-roaring, brutal; Larz, every motherfucker's fave basher; Kliff, San Francisco lad made infamous by his whipping dance of the dead; Krk, in your face, blistering and shreading with a fierceness clearly undimmed by all that any parental or religious right group can throw at him. They are heroes of the day for all of us, and simply head-bangingly mint.

It's not as if Beatallica ever seek such adulation. The extra-ordinary quality of the eight new songs is one of simply blended metal happiness. The lyrics overflow with a blood-dripping, skull-smashing radiance and sense of fun that it is impossible to resist. Every track is a death knell to the poseurs, rollicking, reckless, terrifying, magical. The subject matter ranges from beer drinking ("Death to Mother Earth and the human race, just as long as the beer's got foam"), to Madonna of pop music fame ("Leper Madonna, Jaymz is at your breast/He don't give a fuck-ah how you feed the rest-yyeeeaaaaah-aahhh!"); from the black Danzig duet of "And I'm Evil" to "Hey Dude".

The skill at song construction has matured with crash course in brain surgery precision. Beer cans, guest appearances, Beatallibanger choral arrangements, and various forced air expulsions are used as hammers of justice.

Direct music samples have been ignored in favour of musicianship and original creation. References to Lemmy, The Misfits, Metal Church, D.R.I., and Marshall stacks are woven into an aural fabric that has become the reverential tapestry of heavy metal music. It's all there, if you listen. Jaymz sings "Dokken--fuckin' weak"--any doubt?!

Beatallica are pillagers of their instruments rather than virtuoso instrumentalists-but their ensemble playing is fist pumping and astonishing. They bend and twist both Metallica and Beatle songs with their own rhythms and phrases with a unanimous freedom that gives their harmonic adventures the frenzy of anticipation and unpredictability. The voice-dude Jaymz is just another cannon used in the attack, wailing, screeching, mocking, killing.


There is a bombastic determination to be rid of the bullshit hairspray bands that usually challenge them and their true metal. The words are almost deliberately aimed-- one song is called "I Want To Choke Your Band" and includes lines like, "And when I punch you, I feel happy inside;" another just goes on repeating "Enter Sandman�yyyeeaaah-ahhh, fuckin' Sandman!"; another says "Watchin' every L.A. piss-ant poseur die, hell yyeeeahhh!" The music is likewise stripped of all but the most scorching harmonies and bone breaking beats--so what is left is a throttling out-pouring of metal, music-making of unmistakable clarity and relentless boot-stomping beauty.

The sarcasm and bitterness that have always given their music its unease and edginess still bubbles out like an oozing sore--"Life is very short and there's no time for sleeveless flannels, you poseur!"; "Let me tell you how shit will be." The harshness of the imagery is, if anything, even harsher-"Don't you play that Trixter crap until I can't go on!" Beasts, witches, Kip Winger, warm beer, destruction. And, most grotesque of all, there is a terrifying track called "Got To Get You Trapped Under Ice" which comprises a hellish combination of layered guitars, a Jaymz seemingly insane, and janglings from the subconscious memories of a floundering civilization. Cruel, paranoiac, freezing, agonized, hopeless, it is given shape by the awful rendering "Bananarama's all they play there-fuckin' nooooooo!"-that makes you want to scream. Jaymz' drifting melancholy overhangs the entire proceedings like a bloody veil of shadowy doom-dripping, final, hating.

At the end, all you do is jump up and violently whip your head around in mad circles. Whatever your taste in metal, you will find it satisfied here. If you think that metal music is tricks, sticks, and lip stick fix, then Beatallica have done it better-without the lace, but with Saxon influenced denim and leather; if you think that metal music is just hard rock, then Beatallica have done it better-but infinitely more vengefully; if you think that metal music is mind-blowing noise, then Beatallica, though they love that crazy shit, have done it better-on distant shores of the imagination that others have not even sighted.

This c.d. took them a year to make and in case you think that's slow going, just consider that since its completion, they've written another batch of songs ready to desecrate the internet and airwaves of the world. Not even Sabbath wrote at that speed."

---



BLACKENED THE U.S.S.R

Flew in from Miami-Krk, Larz, Kliff, and me
Whipping dance of dead last nite
On the way the paper bag wuz on my knee
Couldn't even hit the lightz

We're blackened the U.S.S.R.
Krk, Kliff, me, and Larz-ohhh!
Blackened the U.S.S.R.

Been away too fuckin' long so we trashed the place
FUCK YEAH!! It'z good to be back home!
Death to Mother Earth and the human race
Just as long the beer'z got foam

We're blackened the U.S.S.R.
Krk, Kliff, me, and Larz-woah-ohhh!
Blackened the U.S.-
Blackened the U.S.-
Blackened the U.S.S.R.

Well, the Ukraine booze really knockz me out
All you see iz in obscurity
And Moscow vodka makes me scream and shout
And Georgia'z got the d-d-darkest p-p-p-p-potency!-NEVER!!

WOO-OA-AH! Decadence remainz and there is no doubt
That we'll cauze your hearing harm
Let me hear the flying-Vz a-ringing out
Oh, FUCK NO! My beer is warm!

OHHHHHHH, LET ME TELL YOU, LEMMY!!
YEAH, I'M BLACKENED!! BLACKENED!!


SANDMAN

Let me tell you how shit will be
Better grip your pillow tight-a-lay

Now enter Sandman
YEE-AA-AH, enter Sandman

I will fill your eyez with sand
Off to Nevernever land

Cuz I'm the Sandman
YEE-AA-AH, fuckin' Sandman

I'm the Sandman-with a metal beat
And I think that-Dokken'z fuckin' weak
I want you to bang-right in the street
And if you sleepwalk-destroy and seek-SANDMAN!

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for Kliff my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I'll pray for Kliff my soul to take

OHH! I am the beast under Don Dokken'z bed-SANDMAN, fuckin' Dokken!
I'm in hiz closet, in hiz head-SANDMAN, fuckin' weak!

Cuz I'm the Sandman
YEE-AA-AH, fuckin' Sandman

And my advice as Dokken diez-SANDMAN!
It's time to kiss your ass goodbye-SANDMAN

Cuz I'm the Sandman
YEE-AA-AAH, fuckin' Sandman
And you'll sleep with one eye open for me-SANDMAN!


AND I'M EVIL

My mother wuz a witch, burned alive-ooooh!
And if she ain't my bitch, you'd cry tearz too
I'm evil

Now of revenge I sing, most evilly
The shit on you I'll bring, most metally
And I'm evil

Vengeance like mine could never die
Az long az my metal'z in me

Black is my Misfits shirt, I've 20 Eyez
Sleeveless shirt full of dirt sayz "Darling Die"
And I'm evil

And I'm evil-yes, I am
And I'm evil-I am man
And I'm evil-yes, I fuckin' am!


GOT TO GET YOU TRAPPED UNDER ICE

You are in Hell, you're in a shell
Only ice iz what you'll find there
A frozen core, can't take no more
You'll freeze right out your fuckin' mind there

OOOOOH!! Then I suddenly see you
OOOOOH!! Did I tell you I'll freeze you
Every single day of your life?

What can you do, what can you see?
All they have iz M-TV there
Can't move at all, can't hear your call
Bananarama'z all they play there

OOOOOH!! You were meant to be freezing
OOOOOH!! Crystallized and you're sneezing
No one knowz or hearz what you say

Got to get you trapped under ice!

You cannot run, you cannot hide
Cuz the ice securely holdz you
Wrapped up tight, can't move, break free
Hand of Doom iz so fuckin' cold, ooooooh!

OOOOOH!! Then I suddenly see you
OOOOOH!! Did I tell you I'll freeze you
Every single day in the ice?

Got to get you trapped under ice!


LEPER MADONNA

Leper Madonna-spineless from the start
Like a Virgin comez to town, you're sucked into the part
Living by your story, spreading your diseaze
Suffah for your glory, falling to your kneez

Friday nite-a brazier in your suitcase
Like a Prayer-death creeping like a nun
Monday-blind devotion came with black lace
Seeee O-ri-on

Leper Madonna-Jaymz iz at your breast
He don't give a fuck-a how you feed the rest

Leper Madonna-Jaymz iz in your bed
Listen to Beatallica raging in your head

Tuesday-you are taken by the glamour
Wednesday-see the sheep are set to come
Thursday-you're a stinking drunk with power
Seeee O-ri-on

Leper Madonna-Heaven you will meet
Make a contribution, get a bettah seat


HEY DUDE

Hey, dude-it'z true not sad
Take a thrash song and make it better
Remembah! That metal iz in your heart
Then you can start to be a fretter

Hey, dude-don't be fuckin' 'fraid
You were made to go be a shreader
The minute you let us under your skin
Then you'll begin to be a fretter

So crank your amp and deal the pain
Hey, dude-you're fuckin' insane!
The riverz run red with blood of poseurs
And don't you know that he'z the fool
Who playz it cool
But needz for hiz beer to be much colder

Hey, dude-nevah turn it down!
You must pound her, I mean Kip Winger
New wave of British heavy metal iz in your heart
And you can start with Diamond Headerz

So let it out! Let it in!
Hey, dude, begin
Don't wait for the Eye of the Beholder
You'll never know when bellz toll for you
Hey, dude, you'll do
Just sling that flying-V 'cross your shoulder

Hey, dude-it'z true not sad
Take a thrash song and make it better
Admit it! Beatallica'z under your skin!
So now begin to be a shreader


I WANT TO CHOKE YOUR BAND

OHH, YE-EEE-AH I tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say the something
I want to choke your band!

I want to choke your band! I want to choke your band!

You'll say, "PLEASE! Don't tread on me!"
But I'm fuckin' pissed off, man!
For C.C.-no mercy
Cuz he'z in a hair band

Woah, let me choke your band! I want to choke your band!

And when I punch you I feel happy inside
It'z such a feeling, let the light-a-ning ride
Lightning ride, lightning ride

YEAH, YOU! Here'z your warning
That I wont take your glam
White Lion dead by morning
I want to choke that band!

I want to choke your band! I want to choke your band!

And when I punch you I feel happy inside
It'z just the flowing of your blood, you can't hide
You can't hide, you can't hide

YEAH, YOU! Here'z your warning
Wont take your fuckin' glam
Now Warrant'z dead by morning
I fuckin' choked that band!

I want to choke your band! I want to choke your band!
I want to choke your ba-a-a-po-o-seur band!!


WE CAN HIT THE LIGHTZ

Try to see it my way
Don't you play that Trixter crap until I can't go on!
Cannot see it your way
We'll blow this place away now with a metal song

We can hit the lightz! We can hit the lightz!

Think of what you're playing
"Give it to Me Good" in sleeveless flannelz really bitez
Think of what I'm saying
No life 'til leather, gonna kick some ass tonite!

We can hit the lightz! We can hit the lightz!

Life is very short and there'z no time
For sleeveless flannelz, you poseur
I have always thought that it'z a crime
So I will thrash you once again

Try to see it my way
With all out screaming we're gonna rip right through your brain
Nevah see it your way
We have lethal power that is cauzing you sweet pain

We can hit the lightz! We can hit the lightz!

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